What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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