You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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