I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
