we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize