if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
