Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He keeps bees of course he's weird
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
