I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
