Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
