So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
