I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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