When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
