She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
