The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
