chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
