OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Boobs speak an international language.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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