I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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