I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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