I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
