You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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