The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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