you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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