I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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