On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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