I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
