please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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