Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
