Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
