i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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