Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
