What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
