She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
