i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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