i don't like sucking hair
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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