so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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