on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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