dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The uberlube is also flammable
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
