The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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