I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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