I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
