You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
