Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
