dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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