I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
