The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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