Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
