Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
