This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Enjoy the penises
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
