I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
