I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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