Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You should frame my arrest warrant.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
