I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
