you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Randomize
