how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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