cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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