I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
