Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
