There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
