there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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